I didn't realize I was trans and didn’t come out until high school, but I've always just identified as an athlete and never really thought about myself in any other way. I was a gymnast for about 12 years, before I broke my elbow and had to get a bunch of surgeries. That led me to try throwing, which is what I do now at Sac State.

I ended up breaking the school record and now, I'm a Division One athlete, which is pretty awesome.

In gymnastics, I identified as a cis woman, but slowly over time, I did realize that I'm definitely not straight. I was surrounded by teammates in leotards, and it's cheesy, but that's how I realized.

Growing up as an athlete, sports have always been my escape, regardless of how much I was struggling when I was trying to figure out what I was feeling in my emotions towards gender identity. Sports were always a grounding escape from reality, where you'd have to try hard and push hard, and that was pretty much it. It's how I like to de-stress and figure things out.

In gymnastics, I was always trying to stay pretty skinny and lean. In comparison, with throwing, I'm definitely putting on way more muscle and lifting really heavy. We're literally throwing heavy things, chucking heavy implements, metal balls. So it's a way to get any anger or stress out.

When it comes to joy and euphoria, it is stereotypical, but guys are always big, you know? Building muscle and getting stronger and bigger through my collegiate athletics has definitely helped with my body dysmorphia.

If you identify as a gender that is not what you were born as, I feel like it's easier to play a sport in a group environment from an NCAA perspective. Compared to team activities, throwing is a solo sport so you're on your own. In my case, throwing is split into men's and women's teams. Men's weights are heavier, and you throw bigger things. So if I were to compete on the men's team, I would be at a disadvantage, because I'm much smaller, and even though I identify as male, I would struggle more.

But on the women's team, I am even with everybody. So it's a weird thing where I have to sacrifice whether I want to play sports or transition, which is why I'm holding off on hormones and transitioning until after I graduate and don't play NCAA sports.

I'm an athlete first and person second: Gender and athletics are two separate things

I was really stressed coming into collegiate athletics because I didn't know what the colleges were going to think about whether they wanted me, and if it was going to be too complicated. I was convinced that I was just never going to play. But coming to Sac State, meeting with the head coach, being open about it, and talking about it, has helped me build such amazing relationships.

So not only is the sport my escape and my favorite thing to do, but I'm also surrounded by an entire team who validates me and literally doesn't care — me being transgender doesn't affect anything. It’s never been a question, and it's the most validating thing.

I've not had a single issue with coaches, administration or athletes. It's been the best experience to get to play this very largely gender-separated sport, while still being extremely validated, and it being my favorite thing to do.

Sports has always just kind of been who I am. If I talk to my family, it's the first thing that they ask about: “How's athletics going, how’s sports going?”

I like that it takes away the focus from gender identity, as I also struggle with my family around my identity. Being an athlete and having this huge part of me that is bigger than my gender is more important to me. It puts more focus on athletics and takes away from any controversies that I have with people who don't agree or understand my gender identity.

It's like a buffer – that my main identity is being an athlete. It's what I do. It's my life. It's what I've always done.

I think that with athletes who are this passionate, it's like, "I'm an athlete first and a person, second."

In the controversies against trans athletes, people aren’t focusing on someone's ability. They focus on the details of that person and their life outside of athletics, which are very separate things.

I hope that in the future, that gender and sports just become less of a topic of conversation. I hope it just doesn't matter because it takes away from the whole idea of sports, playing and competing.

The coverage and attacks on trans athletes causes fear and causes us to hold back

If I could travel back in time, I would tell my younger self to take the risk. I held back and didn't take a lot of sports opportunities back then, because I was scared and was trying to figure out what was happening.

I didn't really understand anything that had to do with gender identity, especially with sports. So I was very nervous, especially with coming to Sac State, going into collegiate athletics, trying to apply and getting recruited.

I was very hesitant and wary, and didn't really put myself out there. With Sac State, I was more open and was like, "Listen, this is the deal. I'm terrified. I don't know what's gonna happen. All I want to do is compete."

Now here I am living my best life and it's the best opportunity I've ever had.

I would tell other young trans kids to just take the risk because yeah, we see a lot of terrible things in the news. But there are also almost more good people out there who actually care about us and who don't cause issues.

I feel like negative things blow up more than positive things do. So if we focus on those negative things and those attacks — which there are very many of — it causes fear and causes us to hold back. Then we end up not taking risks and we don't step out there.

I think that if we do step out there, we will find those good people. Everybody will find their Sac State, where you're welcome and accepted, and it's not an issue at all.

Take the risk because you'll find the good. It will happen.

Masculinity and femininity are just umbrella terms – we’re all a bit of everything

I think that coming to Sac State, being on a women's team and identifying as male has helped me find that middle ground of between my masculinity and femininity, and of who I am.

Those concepts and those words are just huge umbrella terms that people focus on but everybody is a little bit of both, and we're all just a little bit of everything.

When I'm training and competing, I'm just a person, and everybody's just a person – it doesn't matter who you are or what you are. We're all lifting the same set of things, and then when I'm talking to my teammates and hanging with my team, I don't feel like I have to prove myself to be this or prove myself to be that.

I just kind of am, and everybody accepts me as James and that's it. It's the best feeling in the world.

I hope there are more spaces like Sac State, where gender is not an issue at all. If I talk about my identity here, it's only because my head coach wants to make sure that I'm comfortable with traveling. That's the only time that it does come up, and it's a five minute conversation where we check in to make sure everything's fine. It's never a concern.

It doesn't matter because we're athletes, and we're here to work — we're here to work hard and we're here to throw.