I started playing hockey when I was 10, and it helped me a lot when I was a kid, before I realized that I was trans. I played from seventh grade through senior year of high school, for my school’s JV team, for DIII college hockey, and now adult recreational hockey with Team Trans.

I didn’t realize how much hockey impacted my understanding of gender or gender expression when I was younger: We would put on all this bulky equipment and throw on a jersey that looked the same as everybody else's. The only unique part is the number on the jersey. That attire made it a lot easier to forget the parts of my body that I was particularly unhappy with, and the space was different from the team spaces in other sports. Even though I was still playing on the girl’s team in hockey, it was different from when I played softball, where your whole uniform is a t-shirt.

When I was growing up, I didn't feel like I fit in. I knew something was wrong, I just didn't have the words to say, "Oh, actually, I'm a boy."

I was never feminine in any way, shape or form and when I was in youth hockey, and it was always interesting to watch how the dynamics of traditional femininity and masculinity unraveled when people walked into the locker rooms. There were some like me, who would show up in baggy t-shirts, hoodies and sweatpants. Then there were those who looked like they were going out for the night or something.

There were definitely occasions when my teammates had to take their makeup off before we got on the ice or whatever. But then they'd get on the ice and all of those differences just vanished.

It helped me realize that one can be different in different parts of their life and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

I was playing adult women's hockey before transitioning, and only came out to them after starting T. I told them I wasn't going to keep playing, but realized later that they wouldn’t have cared if I had kept playing.

So now, I actually play for a ‘women's organization’ with three teams of about 40 players. We have two of us using he/him pronouns, two trans women, and at least six non-binary players. Several of us are on hormones too. So my "women's team" is basically not cis men.

I don’t look like a woman and only get misgendered on the ice if they don't see my face, so hockey has been helpful in making me realize that people don't care.

We’ve absolutely had our asses kicked by cisgender women on multiple occasions

There are many misconceptions about trans athletes' participation in sports spaces. In my organization, we have three different levels and we have trans people on all of them. Some of them are brand new, some have played for several years, some have played most of their lives. And we are not dominating anybody on the ice.

We play teams that have primarily, if not entirely, cis women, and we have absolutely had our asses kicked by a bunch of cis women before on multiple occasions. It happens all the time.

Team Trans lost our first two games that ever happened — one of them was like eight to three. It wasn't a close game. We had our asses handed to us and we had two professional hockey players on our roster. So we're not out here dominating just because we are trans and in "women's sports" or whatever.

That's probably the most common misconception that I hear about us: people thinking that we're better because of testosterone, either because we didn't have it before and now we do, or because we did have it before and now we don't.

There are short cis men, short trans women, tall trans men, tall cis women — it's weird that people get really hung up on height and hormones.

There are also a lot of issues with having and enforcing rules to protect our players.

In USA Hockey, if someone insults me on the ice for having a beard and playing women's hockey, the ref should be giving them an unsportsmanlike penalty. But the problem is that the ref is not going to catch everything. They have to hear it and can't just take our word for it.

That player who’s insulting me can still go to my league to make me prove to my league that I belong there. And I don't know if I would win that fight.

Some organizations have decent, and occasionally fantastic, policies for trans athletes, but they aren't great at enforcing them. It’s not necessarily any individual's fault, it’s just the way the world works: if you don't hear it, you can't penalize it, just like if you didn't see this person get tripped, you're not going to call a tripping fault.

And if players are mildly intelligent about the way they're going about it, they're going to make sure the ref can't hear them say it.

The gender-based toxicity in sports needs to be cut off sooner rather than later

Trying to get that gender-based toxicity out of sport is very difficult when it's already there. It would be easier to prevent it from entering in the first place. The little kids who are picking up hockey aren’t going around spewing insults at each other. They're not fighting for the most part.

It becomes an issue when they get a little bit older and no one's telling them that they can't throw around slurs. Because then it just becomes ingrained that that toxicity is normal and something that's okay or even encouraged. So it needs to be cut off sooner.

I do think the policies are getting better and better, and it does seem like the problem is moving up in age. It takes longer for it to become a problem for kids.

Say, before there was an issue with 14-year-old kids. Now, it's not till they get to 16 that it really becomes a problem.

I think the younger kids are getting it, their coaches are getting it and making sure that they understand that, "No, these are the standards we have. I don't care if your teammate doesn't look like you or sound like you. I don't care if they're better than you or worse than you. Doesn't matter. They're still your teammate and they still belong here just as much as you do."

I think the message is finally getting through to people and sticking with them.

 I don't think I’d be here without hockey, and now I get to bring that joy off the ice too

There's a lot more euphoria in the locker room for me now than I used to have. Earlier, locker rooms just used to be uncomfortable. Now, I’m still in women's hockey and I'm still not a woman and it’s still a little weird sometimes.

But it's not nearly as bad because I know that that's in my head and my teammates don't care. For the most part, I'm comfortable and happy in the locker room. When things go right on the ice, I get ecstatic and enjoy it. It’s nice because now I feel like I get to bring that joy off the ice with me too.

The jersey comes off and my pads come off, and I am still happy about whatever's going on instead of dreading the fact that I have to go put on a t-shirt instead. I don't think I would be here anymore without hockey.

If I could travel back in time, I would tell myself, "Hey, by the way, you're a boy.” Because I feel like it would have been super helpful to have known that.

Even if I kept it to myself, it would have been very useful information to me.

To other trans athletes in general, I find that at team trans events, we usually don't need to say anything to encourage these kids to stick with it. Because as far as words go, it's like, "Yeah, it's worth it in the end, stick it out. You'll get there, whatever."

But it's actually seeing the trans athletes play that makes the bigger difference. I found that when we interact with these kids at events, we usually don't really have to say anything.

We ask, you know, "Oh, do you play?"

Mostly they say yes, or "No, I want to but my parents won't let me, it's expensive."

But they are just excited that we are out there and giving them hope for their own futures. And I think that's really helpful and just great. And it's an amazing feeling to be on the other side of that too.

What we as Team Trans would love to do in the long term, is to start queer hockey camps. Even if it's just a weekend and we get five kids, it would make a big difference to those five kids to know that not only is it okay to be queer and play hockey, but you can grow up, be an adult, and live a fulfilling life while doing all that.